Sometimes

...I wonder what the hell I am doing here. Tomorrow is the bone marrow biopsy and I am nervous for the results. Should the outcome be favorable it means that we are on line for the transplant on May 3rd, which brings a whole new reality into play. Should the results be negative there are many scary questions to be answered. I am surprised at how okay I am with being here. I know it has only been a few days but the longing I expected to feel for my old life is not here. It feels surreal as to how right everything seems. I have my moments of fear and resentment but for the most part I have grabbed my new role by the horns and dug in. I am aware that all the immediate goals in my life have changed and I feel no resistance to this change. I walked outside at dusk tonight in a huge open field. I mean enormous, it is an actual air field for small planes. I have always imagined myself doing this. While in the city I remember craving a big open field to wander through and think. I got to do this tonight, I watched the sunset over a lake and sat on a pier. I prayed, I thought, I watched. I feel whole, which is strange because I am surrounded by uncertainty and change. My name was called out many times today. Carolyn.....Carolyn....Carolyn....where are you, where is this, where did you go? Ramblings. Good night!