Sometimes

...I wonder what the hell I am doing here. Tomorrow is the bone marrow biopsy and I am nervous for the results. Should the outcome be favorable it means that we are on line for the transplant on May 3rd, which brings a whole new reality into play. Should the results be negative there are many scary questions to be answered. I am surprised at how okay I am with being here. I know it has only been a few days but the longing I expected to feel for my old life is not here. It feels surreal as to how right everything seems. I have my moments of fear and resentment but for the most part I have grabbed my new role by the horns and dug in. I am aware that all the immediate goals in my life have changed and I feel no resistance to this change. I walked outside at dusk tonight in a huge open field. I mean enormous, it is an actual air field for small planes. I have always imagined myself doing this. While in the city I remember craving a big open field to wander through and think. I got to do this tonight, I watched the sunset over a lake and sat on a pier. I prayed, I thought, I watched. I feel whole, which is strange because I am surrounded by uncertainty and change. My name was called out many times today. Carolyn.....Carolyn....Carolyn....where are you, where is this, where did you go? Ramblings. Good night!

I have moved

It has been three months in the making, but I have officially moved to Kansas. Timing has been tricky and I have been going back and forth often. It feels strange to know that a return to seattle is going to now be a visit. It is strange to know that my mail will be delivered in a jeep with a PostOffice sticker in the rear window! (live in the boonies) I got off the plane last night and was excited to see my Dad, and then speeding down the freeway to bring him to the Hospital. It was a wake up call as to why I am here, and what is ahead. I am glad I am here. The air has that dewy smell that only true midwesterners will recognize as a thunder storm coming. The sky is larger than ever and filled with stars. My room is foreign and waiting for my touches to make it mine. I don't dare think to long about the people and possibilities that I left behind, too soon. I do ruminate on the unknown future that awaits me and is happening now, the possibilities that are ahead, the people I will meet, the stories I will learn. The new chapter has begun.

All of this fake intimacy is making me feel a little unsteady. The promises that flow off the tongue like honey. The sweet embraces, the eyes that light up with promise. I can suspend my disbelief with new surroundings, and unfamiliar faces. I can start again only to come to the same conclusion or perhaps a brand new one. That Hope, fucking hope, it makes humans of us all. This time things will be different, this time I will rise to the human being that I was created to be...This time I will trust, I will love, I will commit, I will pay my bills on time, I will educate my mind and body, I will smile at the stanger.

Goodness I am so angry. i find myself wanting to strangle people for the things that come out of their mouths. I am wanting to scream at friends, and scowl at children. I want things to be different. I want people to mean what they say. Occasionally, someone will say something to me and their eyes actually match their words. Those are the moments to cherish, those are the moments to remember.

We've all had those moments in life where we learned something we wish we hadn't learned. The bad news situation, it comes in so many forms. The friend that shares a confidence that involves our lives, unbeknowenst to them, the doctor explaining the course of action we now are faced with, the friend that can't get inside when all you want is for them to be inside, the disconnect, the family members that mirror all the tragedy and the joy, the utter awareness that we were wrong, down to the core wrong, the aknowledgment of deficiancy. The craving for truth of love. The craving for power over this situation!