All of this fake intimacy is making me feel a little unsteady. The promises that flow off the tongue like honey. The sweet embraces, the eyes that light up with promise. I can suspend my disbelief with new surroundings, and unfamiliar faces. I can start again only to come to the same conclusion or perhaps a brand new one. That Hope, fucking hope, it makes humans of us all. This time things will be different, this time I will rise to the human being that I was created to be...This time I will trust, I will love, I will commit, I will pay my bills on time, I will educate my mind and body, I will smile at the stanger.

Goodness I am so angry. i find myself wanting to strangle people for the things that come out of their mouths. I am wanting to scream at friends, and scowl at children. I want things to be different. I want people to mean what they say. Occasionally, someone will say something to me and their eyes actually match their words. Those are the moments to cherish, those are the moments to remember.

We've all had those moments in life where we learned something we wish we hadn't learned. The bad news situation, it comes in so many forms. The friend that shares a confidence that involves our lives, unbeknowenst to them, the doctor explaining the course of action we now are faced with, the friend that can't get inside when all you want is for them to be inside, the disconnect, the family members that mirror all the tragedy and the joy, the utter awareness that we were wrong, down to the core wrong, the aknowledgment of deficiancy. The craving for truth of love. The craving for power over this situation!