Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Those moments

Last night I got some time with my Dad. I asked questions and did way more listening than talking. I was supposed to meet up with a friend but as life would have it, he was busy with work. Thank Goodness. I love it when moments line up. Plans change, and the conversation that was meant to be had, is. I am in awe of my father. I adore him. I love his perspective and wit. He has a way of making everything clear and meaningful. He told me of his past loves and passions and of events in the courtroom that stood out. He was feeling good and able to focus his eyes. They glistened. I thought to myself, he made me. He is in me. Right at that moment my father said to me, "I see a lot of me in you." Wow. I felt so blessed and honored to be in that group. A person like him. I still don't see much of it, but I trust him, and therefore believe it. I awoke this morning to find him much altered, modern medical science is terrifying. My strong father was weak and in pain. His hands and feet were on fire and he was unable to walk or hold a cup. Getting him to the clinic was difficult and overwhelming. This man who has argued in front of the Supreme Court was at my mercy, and I was grateful to be able to help him. I am fearful of his future and of that pain that will increase. Family relationships are tense and surreal. The love is palpable as well as the fear. This reality that has become mine is strange and different and wonderful. I think of the people that are lucky enough to call him friend and then I think of us who are blessed enough to call him Dad, Brother, Son, Uncle. Everyone leaves a stamp on this world, an imprint of themselves both in life and in death. I wonder who has really known this man? I know this Man! These moments are what life is all about, these moments.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Two Days

I have been in Kansas for two days and if feels like two weeks. So much to do, so much to think, so much to say. My entire family is here (even my mother) which is wonderful and trying all at once. I fondly remember the time I had with my Dad when it was just he and I. I felt I had the time to talk, to ease into a conversation, to sit quietly with him and know that our silence spoke volumes. I now have to share and that is difficult. It has always been difficult to share my father. I grew up with so little time with him and now feel as if I have less. I ask why I didn't move sooner, I look at him and see little pieces of myself, I look at him and see big pieces that I wish I had. This is an extremely confusing time and in that way I am happy to have support and help. We will know much more tomorrow about weather this new treatment is working and I am excited and filled with fear. One note of advice to people, DON'T LOOK AT ME WITH BIG SAD PUPPY EYES, he is not dead and may not even be dying! He is fighting and I am in his corner until the bitter end!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Things!

I'm moving to Kansas! The big change is one I'm looking forward to, yet fearful! Packing up my things, and realizing such a different life is a few weeks away. Everything is amplified and I wonder why I don't live in this way normally. Seeing my friends and all the things they bring to my life. Feeling surrounded by well wishes and faith. Seeing this city and the beauty of it! Also seeing things that I have spent too much energy on, having my priorities change. Startling and Humbling. Seeing the people and things I did put my energy into and being so grateful that I do. Looking forward to the new relationships I will form and the new things I will learn. Finding the actual word that "thing" represents!